Lise (efbq) wrote in miserableovoids,

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Not a crisis, but some disturbing symptomology.

Had an episode of extreme negative self-talk today. Very hot button, 'he did this, therefore he means that, therefore I am completely unvalued/disrespected/unwanted/whatever).

My mood stayed flat enough that I was able to quickly realize that the exchange wasn't what the problem was. The fact was, I've been very disappointed in myself lately, and have been almost expecting external attacks. I was even able to identify some things which I could do to deal with external crisis which I have not been doing.

At the same time, I realized on some level it would be nice if the world just went away, or if I just went *poof* myself. It was a disturbing thought on an intellectual level (self-check - am I suicidal? nope. No desire to actually die. No plans forming in the back of my head. Self-check - how long have I been feeling this way? Think it's just today...)

I made a point to tell scooterbird about it (although a part of me was concerned about worrying him), because he deserves to know, and because he's close enough to actually do something if he sees me as a threat to myself.

Posting here because I think you folks have a clue, and won't enter panic mode at the word 'depression', and because I'd really like some sort of reality check. There's no $$ for therapy of any sort right now. scooterbird has suggested it's worth shelling out for herbal supplements, and he's probably right. I liked the Yogi brand St. John's Wort tea, and there was some sort of Roseola supplement which I used for a while, so I will be doing that much for myself, at least.

He's also been able to hold up a mirror to my behavior recently (I've been 'cocooning' a bit, and am irritable with the kids, Dorothy in particular - got to watch that) - he thinks the gaming has been an energizer, which is probably good.

At the same time, we've discussed things I can do to help with changing the external, triggering stuff. Some of it might be too extreme, but I can at least look into some options.
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