alt.grrl (alt_grrl67) wrote in miserableovoids,

  • Mood:
  • Music:

intro, update and questions

cross-posted to malingers, disorders_r_us, and fragmentedminds, maybe some other places - just page past if you see it too often

I've noticed that when I see a new doctor on a day that I'm in an actively bad mood, very frightened or stressed about something or when the doctor is hard for me to understand for some reason, and I thusly ask lots of questions, on those days I get diagnosed borderline.

But if I'm simply calmly and thoroughly depressed, dissociated, whatever, or if the doctor is good at explaining things, or if the things the doctor is explaining are things I already have some knowledge of - then I am not borderline.

Doctors who have seen me for longer have not said borderline. But doctors who have have been more recent.

One shrink began to 'suspect' that I might be borderline after being forced by the company he works for to adopt a new computerized method of note taking - one that does not fit his style at all. He and I became so much less effective working together that I had to go get a new shrink. And of course, since I saw the new one on a bad day, and answered the question 'why did you stop seeing dr so and so' with 'because he wouldn't look at me when we were talking' I'm now borderline in my official papers.

So - any borderline (or other) folk want to comment? What do you think of when you hear 'she's borderline' or 'he's borderline' - do you think it is a stigmatizing dx that will make it harder to find effective treatment, or do you get some insight from it.

My therapist says borderline is often used as code for 'patient I don't want to work with' but also that it used to have a connotation simply of fragility - of someone with out a lot of margin left between what they needed for their current level of functioning and a significant setback of some sort. He also tells me that his study partner once said "on a bad day, we are all borderline" - which seems to make sense to me somehow.

So - as of last Friday - my problems.

Recurrent Major Depression, onset in childhood - check, and check again - it is recurrent after all....

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - occasionally *severe* PTSD, depends on the doc - onset of symptoms in adulthood, but clearly linked to verifiable childhood sexual assault as well as possible other contributing factors - check

Dissociative Identity Disorder - check - four of me - that would be a check

Borderline Personality Disorder - WTF??? I'm charming. Even the doc who said borderline also said charming - If you are DID can *some* of you be borderline? 'Cause Tal says she thinks 'borderline is the new code word for 'inconvenient female patient' - taking the historic place of 'hysteric' as a means of social control, and she's thinking she might as well be proud of it. - so check? or fight it so it won't complicate treatment for the other stuff?

Agoraphobia - not in the sense of frightened of the sky or large spaces - but in the more current technical sense of anxious when in situations I can't control. Considering that sample situations include the possibility of loosing my food stamp money, or never getting to see my daughter again I'd like to argue that this is just sensible. However, the fear spreads, and I end up being made nervous by thoughts of grocery shopping. And I'm deathly afraid of waiting in line at Social Services. Check. (I'd have used Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but I'm not a clinician, and this does describe things well enough.)

Attention Deposit Disorder Without Hyperactivity/Primarily Inattentive Type - dx'd in childhood before it was a 'hot' diagnosis - in fact, I was the first girl with ADD my insurance ever covered. I don't know the exact DSM term currently used - the 'without hyperactivity' has been in and out of fashion throughout the years and is sometimes replaced by 'Primarily Inattentive Type.' I like to joke that someone will have to let me know when it changes, so I'll know if I should be fidgeting or not that year. - check - oh gods and goddesses yes, check check check check check

I also reverse numbers in a dyslexic fashion, which has gotten me fired from several jobs, but that seems to be being rolled into the ADD these days.

Migraines - off and on for years - they send me to bed and driving isn't even worth discussion - check

Possible Arthritis - pain follows arthritic pattern, but no luck with the blood tests as I keep having panic attacks when they try to take the blood. Knee pain started as a teen, but no one listened until now - flareups have kept me in bed for up to a week, but most days it just hurts and slows me down. But the other days are not 'no hurt' the other days are 'hurts like hell' - check on my part, but simply a hypothesis on my paperwork.

And Social Security says I should be able to work. Um, yeah. Right.

Thanks for listening - feedback welcome.

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic