Miserable ovoid creatures unite...|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Saturday, September 23rd, 2006|
I've been attempting medicine for 7 years. The person I love more than anything, excpects medicine to make it better. We hope lithium will fix everything.
But everytnight, as I fall asleep, all I can think of is the things I've done wrong--and I'm overwhelmed with guilt.
I feel as if I wasn't such a coward, I would kill myself. I look at him, and I know if I were brave, I'd let him love someone who would truly make him happy. But I am selfish, I am terrible.
The only things that makes me happy, are things which destroy me.
I know that the expectations of thsoe who love me are unrealistic. All I want to do is go back to the mental ward, where it's safe-- where I'll be okay, where I may even change.
But if I did that, I would lose everything. I'm afraid that eventually I will collapse, that I will end up there, that I will lose everything, and do so without improving at all...
some part of me wants to live
but i don't want to be the person to enforce it.
je ne sais pas.
that is all.
|Sunday, August 27th, 2006|
Shame, shame, shame. I honestly have a fear of lettuce. And, when I saw this as a possible interest, I thought I had finally found a group who would understand that for which I am constantly ridiculed by so called friends whom I trust with this deep dark secert--only to find out that you too were triffling with a true source of anguish. I'm so disappointed--in you, and I feel that LJ has let me down.
|Sunday, June 26th, 2005|
|Sunday, May 15th, 2005|
Not a crisis, but some disturbing symptomology.
Had an episode of extreme negative self-talk today. Very hot button, 'he did this, therefore he means that, therefore I am completely unvalued/disrespected/unwanted/whatever)
My mood stayed flat enough that I was able to quickly realize that the exchange wasn't what the problem was. The fact was, I've been very disappointed in myself lately, and have been almost expecting external attacks. I was even able to identify some things which I could do to deal with external crisis which I have not been doing.
At the same time, I realized on some level it would be nice if the world just went away, or if I just went *poof* myself. It was a disturbing thought on an intellectual level (self-check - am I suicidal? nope. No desire to actually die. No plans forming in the back of my head. Self-check - how long have I been feeling this way? Think it's just today...)
I made a point to tell scooterbird
about it (although a part of me was concerned about worrying him), because he deserves to know, and because he's close enough to actually do something if he sees me as a threat to myself.
Posting here because I think you folks have a clue, and won't enter panic mode at the word 'depression', and because I'd really like some sort of reality check. There's no $$ for therapy of any sort right now. scooterbird
has suggested it's worth shelling out for herbal supplements, and he's probably right. I liked the Yogi brand St. John's Wort tea, and there was some sort of Roseola supplement which I used for a while, so I will be doing that
much for myself, at least.
He's also been able to hold up a mirror to my behavior recently (I've been 'cocooning' a bit, and am irritable with the kids, Dorothy in particular - got to watch that) - he thinks the gaming has been an energizer, which is probably good.
At the same time, we've discussed things I can do to help with changing the external, triggering stuff. Some of it might be too extreme, but I can at least look into some options. Current Mood: blank
|Friday, February 11th, 2005|
I have come to realize that a great deal of my job consists of writing vast amounts of verbiage and saying absolutely fuck-all
I mean, dig this, written by a cow-orker:
Software is evolutionary in nature. From the time a software product is defined until it is no longer used, it changes. Each change results in a different version of the product. Initiating, evaluating, and implementing the changes while maintaining product integrity is the purpose of configuration management. It provides a rational framework with which to deal with the irrational work of user demands and resource constraints. In terms of maintaining product integrity, it works closely with quality assurance and verification and validation teams.
SCM is an essential discipline in the every-day activities of defining requirements, designing, writing, compiling, testing, and documenting the software. SCM is not simply version control or format control. It is not a clerical “after-the-fact” function. It is a technical field of expertise with formal practices. The primary objective of SCM is to deliver a quality product that meets the stated requirements, on schedule, and within budget. An effective SCM program supports this objective by tracking each requirement from concept through implementation to customer delivery.
If you get rid of the didactic puffery and the repeated concepts, that's basically one, maybe two sentences worth of information. And that is how I'm supposed to write.
This explains why I am writing in my LJ rather than what I'm supposed to be writing...it's in order to keep everyone around from suffering an unfortunate postal incident.EXTRA MEDICATION FOR ALL.
Dammit. Current Mood: cranky
|Thursday, June 24th, 2004|
Thoughts about venting - is it useful?
NOT provoked by any individual journal entry, just by things I've noticed over having an LJ account for over a year. When I'm reading a journal post which is a vent, I LIKE the fact that people mark it as such. I can appreciate people saying 'hey, I know I'm working myself up here, I'm doing it for myself, not for feedback'. So, as a journal reader, I have no problem when I come across a [vent][/vent] post.
On the other hand, I can't see doing it. I know that, when I try to 'blow off steam' myself I usually end up stoking the fire, as it were. It might be worthwhile to do, to energize myself to address an issue, for example, if I didn't have a habit of getting into obsessive feedback loops about stuff.
So, this thecommunity
seems like a good place to start a discussion on it, because we miserableovoids
tend to think about what makes us dysfunctional, and what it means, etc, rather than rolling around like good little intel demons...
Those of you who do vent online, does it work for you? Do you feel better afterwards? Does it calm you down? Give you an energy buzz? Make you chuckle? What?
|Thursday, May 27th, 2004|
Two-day migraines make for an extremely miserable ovoid creature.
That is all. Current Mood: ow dammit
|Saturday, May 8th, 2004|
I think I'm a miserable rectangle. Ovoids can at least roll around a bit, but I'm stuck exactly where I am, without much hope of changing anything. Suck.
|Wednesday, May 5th, 2004|
intro, update and questions
cross-posted to malingers, disorders_r_us, and fragmentedminds, maybe some other places - just page past if you see it too often
I've noticed that when I see a new doctor on a day that I'm in an actively bad mood, very frightened or stressed about something or when the doctor is hard for me to understand for some reason, and I thusly ask lots of questions, on those days I get diagnosed borderline.
But if I'm simply calmly and thoroughly depressed, dissociated, whatever, or if the doctor is good at explaining things, or if the things the doctor is explaining are things I already have some knowledge of - then I am not borderline.
Doctors who have seen me for longer have not said borderline. But doctors who have have been more recent.
One shrink began to 'suspect' that I might be borderline after being forced by the company he works for to adopt a new computerized method of note taking - one that does not fit his style at all. He and I became so much less effective working together that I had to go get a new shrink. And of course, since I saw the new one on a bad day, and answered the question 'why did you stop seeing dr so and so' with 'because he wouldn't look at me when we were talking' I'm now borderline in my official papers.
So - any borderline (or other) folk want to comment? What do you think of when you hear 'she's borderline' or 'he's borderline' - do you think it is a stigmatizing dx that will make it harder to find effective treatment, or do you get some insight from it.
My therapist says borderline is often used as code for 'patient I don't want to work with' but also that it used to have a connotation simply of fragility - of someone with out a lot of margin left between what they needed for their current level of functioning and a significant setback of some sort. He also tells me that his study partner once said "on a bad day, we are all borderline" - which seems to make sense to me somehow.
So - as of last Friday - my problems.
Recurrent Major Depression, onset in childhood - check, and check again - it is recurrent after all....
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - occasionally *severe* PTSD, depends on the doc - onset of symptoms in adulthood, but clearly linked to verifiable childhood sexual assault as well as possible other contributing factors - check
Dissociative Identity Disorder - check - four of me - that would be a check
Borderline Personality Disorder - WTF??? I'm charming. Even the doc who said borderline also said charming - If you are DID can *some* of you be borderline? 'Cause Tal says she thinks 'borderline is the new code word for 'inconvenient female patient' - taking the historic place of 'hysteric' as a means of social control, and she's thinking she might as well be proud of it. - so check? or fight it so it won't complicate treatment for the other stuff?
Agoraphobia - not in the sense of frightened of the sky or large spaces - but in the more current technical sense of anxious when in situations I can't control. Considering that sample situations include the possibility of loosing my food stamp money, or never getting to see my daughter again I'd like to argue that this is just sensible. However, the fear spreads
, and I end up being made nervous by thoughts of grocery shopping. And I'm deathly afraid of waiting in line at Social Services. Check. (I'd have used Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but I'm not a clinician, and this does describe things well enough.)
Attention Deposit Disorder Without Hyperactivity/Primarily Inattentive Type - dx'd in childhood before it was a 'hot' diagnosis - in fact, I was the first girl with ADD my insurance ever covered. I don't know the exact DSM term currently used - the 'without hyperactivity' has been in and out of fashion throughout the years and is sometimes replaced by 'Primarily Inattentive Type.' I like to joke that someone will have to let me know when it changes, so I'll know if I should be fidgeting or not that year. - check - oh gods and goddesses yes, check check check check check
I also reverse numbers in a dyslexic fashion, which has gotten me fired from several jobs, but that seems to be being rolled into the ADD these days.
Migraines - off and on for years - they send me to bed and driving isn't even worth discussion - check
Possible Arthritis - pain follows arthritic pattern, but no luck with the blood tests as I keep having panic attacks when they try to take the blood. Knee pain started as a teen, but no one listened until now - flareups have kept me in bed for up to a week, but most days it just hurts and slows me down. But the other days are not 'no hurt' the other days are 'hurts like hell' - check on my part, but simply a hypothesis on my paperwork.
And Social Security says I should be able to work. Um, yeah. Right.
Thanks for listening - feedback welcome.
alt.grrl Current Mood: aggravated
|Sunday, April 18th, 2004|
Hi, I'm Thomas and I'm a miserable little Intel-Inside-logo thingy with a defective bone in my head.
|Sunday, March 28th, 2004|
Does ale count as sufficient medication for ovoid creatures? And if not, why not? What if it's really good
ale? Current Mood: imbibinous
|Thursday, March 18th, 2004|
|Tuesday, March 16th, 2004|
|Sunday, February 22nd, 2004|